Wednesday, March 3, 2010

My ex

I have an ex that still haunts me now and then but it isn’t an ex-boyfriend or an ex-husband (though I do have one of those too). This ex is my addiction to smoking.

I still remember my first puff of a cigarette given to me by an older cousin when I was about 13 or 14 years old. I didn’t start right after that but by the time I was 15 I was smoking on a fairly regular basis…bumming a smoke while waiting for the bus, sneaking into the girl’s bathroom or other spots during school for a few drags. The fact is I was a smoker at the young age of 15. You might wonder how I got my cigarettes but the fact is that was a time when ID’s were rarely, if ever, checked and I had older friends who could purchase them for me when needed. It also helped that I looked a few years older than I really was. I quit when I got pregnant with my older children but the inability to deal with the stress in my life drew me back to my old friend…or enemy depending on how you look at it.

I finally quit just over 3 years ago when I decided to get pregnant with my youngest. After she was born I just couldn’t imagine smoking with her around so I never picked it back up but that isn’t to say I don’t ever think about it….I do. The crave, though very mild, is still there even 3 years later. It isn’t often and is usually only when I either see someone smoking or get a whiff of cigarette smoke in the air. Then, only for a moment, I drift off and long to have one….just one…drag. I don’t though because as a former smoker who has quit two other times in the past, I know it would NEVER be just ONE drag. That one drag would leave to bumming a smoke which would then lead to picking up just one pack for an occasional cigarette to just smoking a few a day to becoming a full time smoker again and I can’t do that.

I am healthier now, my car smells better and I smell better. I have no doubt I will always battle my ex but there is a strength in me that I didn’t have before and I know that I won’t ever smoke again.

And honestly, have you seen the price of those things lately. I can’t understand how ANYONE can afford them!

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