My ex

I have an ex that still haunts me now and then but it isn’t an ex-boyfriend or an ex-husband (though I do have one of those too). This ex is my addiction to smoking.

I still remember my first puff of a cigarette given to me by an older cousin when I was about 13 or 14 years old. I didn’t start right after that but by the time I was 15 I was smoking on a fairly regular basis…bumming a smoke while waiting for the bus, sneaking into the girl’s bathroom or other spots during school for a few drags. The fact is I was a smoker at the young age of 15. You might wonder how I got my cigarettes but the fact is that was a time when ID’s were rarely, if ever, checked and I had older friends who could purchase them for me when needed. It also helped that I looked a few years older than I really was. I quit when I got pregnant with my older children but the inability to deal with the stress in my life drew me back to my old friend…or enemy depending on how you look at it.

I finally quit just over 3 years ago when I decided to get pregnant with my youngest. After she was born I just couldn’t imagine smoking with her around so I never picked it back up but that isn’t to say I don’t ever think about it….I do. The crave, though very mild, is still there even 3 years later. It isn’t often and is usually only when I either see someone smoking or get a whiff of cigarette smoke in the air. Then, only for a moment, I drift off and long to have one….just one…drag. I don’t though because as a former smoker who has quit two other times in the past, I know it would NEVER be just ONE drag. That one drag would leave to bumming a smoke which would then lead to picking up just one pack for an occasional cigarette to just smoking a few a day to becoming a full time smoker again and I can’t do that.

I am healthier now, my car smells better and I smell better. I have no doubt I will always battle my ex but there is a strength in me that I didn’t have before and I know that I won’t ever smoke again.

And honestly, have you seen the price of those things lately. I can’t understand how ANYONE can afford them!

Not Me Monday

I have always loved reading the Not Me Monday’s on other blogs so I figured I would give it a whirl.

We certainly did not eat most meals out this weekend even though the fridge and pantry are filled with plenty of food. I always cook my family well balanced meals and never rely on pizza and hamburgers to feed my family.

I definitely did not let my two year old run around Sear’s barefoot while I purchased my new washer and dryer and she definitely did not scream at the top of her lungs on more than one occasion and then laugh hysterically about it when I asked her to be quiet. I have much better control over my children and would never stand for such behavior especially out in public.

I also did not get almost all the way to work (45 minute commute) one morning last week before realizing that Tinker Bell was still playing on the DVD player in the minivan. I always pay much closer attention to what is coming through the speakers. And even if I did, I certainly didn’t enjoy it.

So what did you not do last week?

Sometimes kids just know

As my mind continued to drift to the little girl and her family this morning while getting ready for work, a part of me longed to just crawl back in bed with my own daughter and hold her tight all morning long. But work awaited and the roads were not going to be fun so I needed to go. I was being quiet so not to wake both her and Daddy as I try to every morning that they are home which also meant that I was not going to disturb her with a kiss goodbye but sneak out in the dark. This was a morning though that I needed that kiss and hug and needed to hold her tight once more before I left and I guess she knew that.

As I opened the door to the hall I heard a little voice in the dark say “Goodbye Mommy” and I quickly turned around and gave my dear daughter a huge hug and a kiss goodbye. I never knew she was awake until that moment and it is almost like she knew that I needed that moment this morning.

Kids grow up so fast (my oldest is 16 and I can’t figure out how that happened) and sometimes parents lose their children all too soon so cherish every moment that comes your way for that kiss and hug. They really are too few and too precious.

I miss my bubble

As much as I love technology and blogs and facebook and the internet as a whole, there is a part of me that misses the days before all of this. Not because it complicates my life or because half the time things just don’t work right but for a deeper, more emotional reason. I miss my bubble. Prior to the internet (and getting older and more aware) I lived in a little bubble, not always a happy bubble and not one that was never touched by the cruelness and pain of the world but one that didn’t know as much as I know now. Yes, with age and experience comes knowledge but that knowledge can bring pain and heartbreak and knowledge that yes….some women can’t get pregnant and yes…babies and children die.

The blog world is filled with these stories and as much as I try to look away and not read I feel myself drawn to these stories like a mosquito is drawn to a bug zapper. I know before I even read them that I will cry and I will feel sorrow and hurt and pain for these children and their parents but I read. Then the realization hits me that while I am sitting here at work and my older children are at school and my toddler is enjoying a day with her Daddy, there is a family sitting at the bedside of a child the same age as my precious daughter watching their child take what are most likely her last breathes on this earth. I find myself flooded with emotions and tears that I fight to hold back but they escape here and there. I find myself longing to be with my daughter and hold her tight and tell my teens how much I really do love them even though they might not always believe me. I find myself looking at my daughter’s picture and wondering how I got lucky to have a healthy child and could my luck run out tomorrow. These parents aren’t bad people, honestly they are probably much better parents and people then I could ever be but it happened to them. It is their daughter who is dying as we go about our normal day.

I used to not understand how much death really affects a person until I lost my Grandma Betty. Losing her hurt and it hurt a lot but she had lived a long (albeit not as long as we would have liked) life and had children and grandchildren and great-grandchildren. It makes it easier to grasp and understand. But when a baby or child dies either from disease or a tragedy or at the hands of a monster I can’t comprehend it. It doesn’t make sense, it isn’t right, it isn’t fair. These stories that I read on blogs and the news stay with me and I carry these children with me, like the little twin boy who was thrown down by a daycare worker and crawled to his favorite bouncy seat to die or the high school girl who was hit while crossing the street to get on her bus by a careless woman driving an SUV or the little girl who is losing her battle with cancer as I sit her writing this. I will carry these children and they will cross my mind as I see my children prepare for the bus in the morning or watch my daughter dance around the living room in her tutu or kiss her goodbye in the morning while dropping her off at daycare.

So why do I continue to click on the links that people send or post telling of the stories of these precious children whose lives are cut short? Maybe because I need a reminder from time to time just how lucky I really am. Maybe I need to be reminded that even though raising two teens and a toddler is tough, the alternative is something I NEVER want to experience. And maybe it is because these children need to be remembered. Their lives, albeit short, were precious.

So tonight when I go home, I will be a little less stressed with the teens and take a little more time with the toddler. I will remind them just how much I love them all and just how precious their lives are to me. And after everyone goes to bed and the lights are out and the house is quiet, during those moments before sleep takes over, I will probably shed a tear for these little ones whose short lives have touched my heart and soul.

Christmas Tree

I have a confession...my tree is STILL not up. It's not that I am not in a holiday spirit (check out my farmville..lol) but with a toddler and a puppy and two dogs, I am not exactly thrilled to put it up just to tell the 4 of them - NO! My tree is beautiful when it is up but last year all the ornaments were only on the top half of the tree. My wonderful husband insisted on putting the ornaments on even though I knew the baby would get into them. He INSISTED that we could teach a 1 year old to NOT touch the tree. Well, he quickly learned the fight wasn't worth it and they all got moved up. This year he has even questioned whether it was worth putting them on. Especially since she is now a very ingenious 2 year old who has this darn plastic chair that she uses to get on EVERYTHING!

So this weekend one way or another our tree will be going up. Most likely without ornaments but it will still look pretty with the twinkling lights and big bow on top. And sometime around the 26th it will be quickly packed back up until next year. Maybe by then we can try the ornaments again.

First Dates

My son had his first date. How did this happen? How did he get to the (gulp) dating age? Of course, he has had “girlfriends”…you know the ones they rarely talk to and never really see outside of school but this was a date. And true, it was a Holiday Dance so it was a school function. And he has gone out with groups and already kissed a girl or two…I hope not more. But this was a date. After he got gussied up in his all-to-expensive suit and gathered the corsage (that Mom suggested he get and ordered and picked up and paid for…ok, I got the corsage) and we headed to her house. After pictures I left all the while wanting to either puke or cry because my baby was growing up and there was absolutely nothing I could do to stop it. It seems like yesterday he was the little boy who still needed his Mom when he fell off his bike because the blanket he was using as a cape got stuck in his tire spokes. Or just days ago that I held him in my arms and realized he was really my son to take care of and raise. I never expected the years to fly by so quickly. I am now grasping at the few years we have left before he heads off to college and then to build his own life and family. I just can’t figure out how I blinked and he grew up. Even though there are days that he drives me crazy I still wish every day I could just stop the clock so that he wouldn’t keep growing up.

I’m just not ready for first dates and everything that comes after that.

Random Thoughts (Mostly Stolen)

My Mom sent this email to me and I just had to share it, just in case you haven't seen it before.

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer's history if you die.

There was a time when this was TOTALLY true, but honestly, now I am pretty boring. Though the other day I tried looking something up on YouTube and for some reason I thought it was UTube....trust me DON'T type in UTube...not a good thing!

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

Yeah, but good luck getting me to admit to that.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

If babies and toddlers understood how good they have it. What I would give for someone to tell me to take a nap.

4. There is great need for a Sarcasm font.

Nooo...you think?

5. How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

What? You mean rolling it into a ball isn't the proper way to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

Actually, I am starting to think learning to write at all might not be necessary with computers.

7. MapQuest needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my own damn neighborhood.

That's if MapQuest can even find your house to begin with.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

OK...I know I might sound morbid but I have to agree. Don't you wonder why people die when you read an obit? Human nature, my friends, human nature.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

Nope, not a clue but I bet it was the last time I was told to take a nap!

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

My entire life must be a good story then...may be I should write a book.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

Hmm...might have been about the time I opened my email and decided to blog about it.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection . . . again.

I am now finding the biggest reason to NOT have your kids over a decade apart is because of this issue. 99% of our Disney collection is still on VHS, lot of good that does me.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to the ten-page paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

Hey Microsoft....please explain WHY it does that.

14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this -- ever.

No...it means I won't BUY it.

15. I hate it when I miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!) but when I immediately call back it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

I know the real truth you call as a show of good will just HOPING no one will really answer and then when they call back you don't have to answer but they can't say you didn't call. Well, I am on to you.

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day . . . What a waste.

Or even worse...not having anyone notice how great you look, specially your husband. GRRR!!!!

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

Good idea.

18. My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day, "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How do I respond to that?

I am thankful that hasn't happened but trust me, there have been questions that made me scratch my head.

19. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

Mine does!

20. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

LOL...but those kisses probably lead to some great stories.